I Never Feel Like Brushing “Ma Teefies”

Even as I typed, “I never feel like brushing my teeth,” my editing software suggested I change it to

“I always feel the need to brush my teeth.”

WTF? Are you all like this? Am I really alone?

Does Everyone listen to classical while I’m jamming to “I Wanna Be Like You” that the monkeys sing in The Jungle Book?

Where was I? Ah, yes, I never want to brush my teeth.

It’s true.

It is the last thing in my pre-vertical and pre-horizontal routine.

But I still hate it with my essence.

Nothing drives me more bonkers than being idle for more than ten seconds. I was born a rowdy 14-year-old who had to move in order to think, and I never grew out of it.

But I still brush.

You get where I’m going with this. My breath may smell like coffee sometimes, but never yesterday’s coffee.

Go to the gym. Go to your garage or driveway and do burpees; I don’t Care. Just do it because it’s a requirement of owning a human body. You must take care of it.

Want a dirty secret?

Some nights, when it’s just me, the dogs, and someone getting murdered on TV, I give myself a treat and fall asleep on the couch, and I don’t even brush.

EEEWWW!! Shutup. I brush + mouthwash before you see me the next morning.



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