We regret to Inform You That You Are Alive.

I regret to inform you that you are alive.

This unfortunate news comes with the prognosis that you will die.

Unless you’re already dead, that is.

In which case, why are you reading this? Ah, right-right, because you must have nothing better to do. I should have guessed.

That’s kind of how life goes, though, isn’t it? We’re all just waiting around this station for our train to come in, and have no idea when it’s coming.

You may as well do something fun to pass the time, or else, risk having so little fun that the time passes you by! See, you’re not so dead after all. You’re just like everyone else here.

Well, except for the ones having too much fun to read this.

So, anyway. Sorry to break the news, but someone here has to do it. It’s a mighty serious job, so someone with a light heart should consider the work. You wouldn’t be interested now, would you? Doesn’t sound fun, eh?

You know, that’s the thing everyone likes to forget about fun- it’s not always that fun. A boy playing soccer says he’s having fun, but he’s out of breath half the time and chasing after a ball other children will try to take from him. It’s gladiators for children!

Maybe the best way to describe fun to you is “Being busy on YOUR terms,” whatever that is.

And I should leave it at that.

Anyway, time is a-ticking, and I’ve got more people to deliver the sad news to!



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